Having last month asked the excellent Graham Bartlett – a retired ex-policeman who has successfully supported enough crime writers to be inspired to write his own – to look at my known-to-be-faulty novel #5, and subsequently spent time mulling over his spot-on advice, I made the decision to turn the telling of it upside down and completely re-write it.
I began the process yesterday and got so deeply involved I forgot I needed to post both new words and a winner to this week’s Prediction. So, a quick re-read, and I came up with two deserving entries: Terrie’s 'paperclipped to the moon’ in her SAS diaries entry 208 was both joyful and inspired, and David’s ‘Artefact’ exceptionally poignant – thank you both, as well as to Jim and Antonia for their ever-reliable commenting.
Words for the coming week, eggcup, number, spectacle
Entries by midnight Thursday February 2nd Saturday
December 31st, new words Friday 3rd.
Well done David, I have to say your entry was my favourite of the week.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the vote on the 'Dillos entry too Sandra, I really do enjoy unfolding their story.
Yet another great entry, David!
DeleteCongratulations David!!
DeleteThe Secret Armadillo Soldier (SAS) Diaries - entry 209
ReplyDeleteThe rat glared at Cinereus. ‘I knows who y’u are and I aint taking it. Whatever it is.’
Cinereus unwrapped the packet and stooped over the pinned rat.
His warning glances had a number of Dillos hurriedly stepping away.
Lump-hammer neatly egg-cupped in the hollow of the rats throat, Atlas remained.
Cinereus turned his head away from the prisoner and mimed shutting his eyes and holding his breath to the huge Dillo.
‘‘Ere wot yuh up t’,’ screeched the rat.
Armi grinned, ‘this could be a spectacle an’ an ‘alf.’
Nigel didn’t look so sure and stepped further backward.
I'm with Nigel - and once again enjoying your use of the prompt words
DeleteI sent my rats off in aniother direction this time, Terrie, the 'dillos can have a rat break... if it's what they want, of course... Nigel showed a lot of sense stepping back out of the way, in this situation, anything could happen ...
DeletePOINT OF VIEW
ReplyDeleteI watched the man’s eyes balloon to the size of eggcups. His jaw dropped and his lips flapped wildly together, but no sound emerged. Seconds later his face turned the grayish color of soured cream and his head began lolling from side to side.
This man was afraid, more afraid than anyone I had witnessed before. And I had seen a goodly number, for I am required to attend these spectacles.
I looked into his eyes one last time, searching for something other than utter horror.
Nothing there but horror.
I smiled, gripped may axe then chopped his head off.
As we've all come to expect from you this is a richly image embroidered offering with the usual brilliant sting in the tail. The prompt words fitted right in.
DeleteAnother delivery of smoothly gruesome horror.
Deleteclever build p here, James, very smoothly done and full of your usual tricky endings!!
DeleteChange of focus [501]
ReplyDelete‘”Pregnant”?’ Thought that was proved by pissing on a lolly stick. Or something. Only needs a few, fresh drops. Not as much as an eggcup full.’
‘Yeah, well. Trust me, I’ve done a number of these –‘
‘How big a number?’ Pettinger suddenly became aware his office door was open, his tone become belligerent. Unwilling to make a spectacle of himself, (never mind upset Philly!) he softened his voice, ‘But you’re on your way here? With Aleks?’
‘Haven’t you forgotten something?’
‘No. ’What?’
‘You’re meant to say “Congratulations”‘
He watched his fist clench.
‘Least I didn’t ask, “Is it mine?”’
I so enjoy the back and forth between these two characters. Although they often seem to be at odds with each other they are also well matched. All credit to your writing skill ,Sandra.
DeleteThank you Terrie. Hard to believe Pettinger made 500+ episodes
DeleteLike Terrie, I liked the tense exchange between the characters. Great last line!
Deletethe quality of the easy-read dialogue makes this serial so goodc everyne in perfect place to move the story on whilst showing us how to do it as you pass by... !
Delete[Threshold 423]
ReplyDeleteI’d the sense to close my eyes, but forehead, then cheekbone landing hard; discovering the ochre dust too-thinly concealed stones; right size but too rough-surfaced to neatly fit within an eggcup, the agonising pain of which had me wishing for some magic spray to make my face number.
I raised my face. Spat sand. Addressed Indigo-eyes, he still making a spectacle of himself, wincing and groaning as he blotted the raw end of his tongue.
‘I think there’s a First Aid kit in the quad-bike’s pannier. But I suggest mouth-wash better than brandy for you.’
Really clever use of the prompt word number here, Sandra.
DeleteI agree with Terrie, clever use of the prompt. It could have been tricky but yiiu slid it straight in.
DeleteThe Secret Armadillo Soldier (SAS) Diaries - entry 210
ReplyDelete‘Dunno the numbers we’ll be dealing wiv but given an eggcup o’ luck, they won’t all come this way.
Yu’ know where t’ fall back t’ when I give the word, an’ be quick about it when yu do,’ reminded Sarg.
With tunnel debris scattered over her flattened body, all that remained visible were Sarg’s flinty eyes, masked and bespectacled in stringy roots caked with soil.
The operatives found positions of attack and defence and crouched in the darkness, motionless, alert and almost invisible.
The silence became powerfully apparent: Then came scrabbling from above.
The enemy had entered base burrow.
Wonderful build-up and full of perfectly-prompted tension
Delete"The silence became powerfully apparent." What a great line - so powerful!
DeleteI can see these dillos sliding into place, to wait it out, and then to use up all the savage energy they've managed to build. This so wants illustrating!!!
DeleteAntonia: here goes... There was a flurry of monsters in some kind of uniform, or some kind of protective stuff, quite specialised, I have to say. They appeared to be counting the corpses whilst we, suffering creatures that we are, get no more than an egg- cup of wter. Need more, need more... then the lorry arrived and we were thrown, all of us, into the back of it and taken to -
ReplyDeleteA silent brooding place whch we only caught sight of on the way in. But the biggest thing we saw, the hugest most magnificent thing imaginable, - some of the rats were ALIVE!
That 'quite specialised, I have to say' says so much about the narrator.
ReplyDeleteAntonia says -thank you, Sandra! I keep looking for an alternative to the rats but they are determined to stay right there!!!
ReplyDelete